You Are Not Alone: How to Support Those Experiencing Grief
Sometimes, as we try to support grieving family and friends, it's difficult to know where, how, and when to reach out to them. First, understand that feeling awkward or uncomfortable in these situations is completely normal. Unless you are a professional counselor, this likely isn't something you are used to doing. Second, know that you cannot fix or take away someone's pain. But you can sit with them as they cry or listen to them talk about their loss. Your presence alone can help them feel supported.
Beyond simply being present, there are other things you can do and say to support a loved one who is grieving. Digging deeper to support them can be a meaningful process, but it requires patience and care.
The book It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand (Devine, 2017) suggests some ways to offer support:
Be present. Sometimes, just being there for someone grieving can make a huge difference. Offer your presence—whether physically or through a call or message—and let them know you're available to listen.
Listen empathetically. Allow them to express their feelings without judgment. Often, people need someone who can listen without trying to fix things or offer advice.
Help where needed. Grieving individuals might need help with everyday tasks or errands. Offering to cook meals, run errands, or help with chores can be immensely supportive.
Respect their process. Everyone has their own way of handling grief. Some may want to express their feelings, while others prefer to be alone. If you offer a listening ear and someone declines, respect their way of coping and give them space.
Avoid clichés or unsolicited advice. Platitudes like "time heals all wounds" might not be comforting. Avoid telling others how they should feel or what they should do.
Remember significant dates. Dates like an anniversary or the birthday of the loved one whom someone is grieving can be particularly tough. Sending a supportive message or being there for them on these days can mean a lot.
Encourage professional help, if needed. Grieving can be a complex process. While you may care deeply about your loved one and want to offer support, you may not be able to provide the same expert advice as a professional can. Sometimes, a loved one may benefit from the help of a therapist or grief counselor. Encourage them to turn to these people if they need additional support.
Check in regularly. Grieving doesn't always end after a few days or weeks. Keep in touch and check in periodically to show ongoing support.
Share memories or stories. Sometimes, sharing positive memories or stories about the loved one someone is grieving can be comforting and can help celebrate the life they lived.
Respect boundaries. While offering support to someone who is grieving is essential, respecting their boundaries is equally important. Some might need more space or time alone, and it's crucial to honor that.
Remember, there's no perfect formula for supporting someone through grief. It's about showing compassion and empathy and understanding their unique needs during a challenging time.
Grieving takes time, and we all grieve differently. In general, be mindful of your limits, and remember to take time for yourself. Even those who are supporting others in the grieving process should practice setting boundaries and engaging in self-care. If you are the person grieving, remember there are people ready to support you.
One final thought is that mourning a suicide can be especially challenging. The book Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide (Cobain & Larch, 2006) is a particularly useful resource. It explains that the journey through suicide-related mourning and grief requires support, willingness to accept help, and time.
Cobain, B., & Larch, J. (2006). Dying to be free: A healing guide for families after a suicide. Hazelden.
Devine, M. (2017). It's OK that you're not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand. Sounds True.
