Managing Your Family Life with Older Adults

The sandwich generation is a term I heard about a few years ago. When I learned what it was, I immediately felt understood. Someone put a label on what I was feeling and experiencing daily in my home life. Before learning that I am part of the "Sandwich Generation," I felt like I had too much on my plate and could not take care of everything properly. We have always been a busy family, just like so many others, with children and all the responsibility that goes with rearing them — from school, volunteering, faith-based, and after-school activities. Plus, I had regular duties around the home, not to mention my career, my partner, and now, Granddad.

SociologyDictionary.org defines the sandwich generation as "A generation of people who must simultaneously care for their children and their elderly parents."

About 7 years ago, our family took a lead role in the care of a great-grandparent of my children. Maintaining his health and making sure he received proper care were important to us. It was the right thing to do, but I am not sure we knew the full impact of our decision.

We made a plan and, with open, ongoing conversations with all parties involved, got our process started.

First, we talked with Granddad. We listened to his wants and needs. Asking for help is hard for most older adults, so we spent time learning what he valued in his daily life and what was important to him. We discussed how we could help him maintain as much independence as possible. These conversations took place over months. With lots of patience, we all worked on action steps and re-evaluated them as needed. We had the gift of time to work out our details since moving our senior family member was not urgent. When caring for a family member happens quickly, a local Area Agency on Aging is a valuable resource to get connected to services in your area.

The Pennsylvania Link to Aging and Disability Resources connects consumers to the full range of services available to help meet their needs. Contact the Pennsylvania Link to Aging and Disability Resources by calling 1-800-753-8827.

Next, we discussed what was realistic for us to provide for Granddad. Every family's situation will be different. What works for one family may be unattainable for others. This is where open, honest, and frequent communication is key. What could I do? What could my partner contribute? How would this experience impact our children? Of course, we could only address the things that we knew about or imagined might happen.

Some things we felt were important to address for our family’s situation were in the following areas.

Understanding Finances and Legal Topics

How are banking and bills being managed now, and what is the plan for the future? Who is the Power of Attorney (POA) or how does one formalize an agreement to identify a person to handle each task discussed?

Living Arrangements

Where would Granddad live? Did he want to downsize or stay in his home? In our case, he downsized and move closer to our house. We had to identify the primary person to help with the logistics of living arrangements and moving.

Scheduling Appointments

I quickly figured out that Granddad had a lot of appointments. Scheduling appointments became my responsibility and required scheduling time off work to take him. Granddad's responsibility was to remind me to take off work. This helped him feel in control of something and a contributing member of the plan.

Food

We also discussed and formed a plan for meals and grocery shopping. To "let go" of an extra task, I take advantage of online grocery shopping to save a trip to the store. Granddad keeps a list of things he needs to make shopping easier.

Personal Care

After a lifetime of caring for others, this topic can be a delicate discussion. In our case, Granddad can take care of his personal care needs. However, things can change quickly, so do your research. Developing a plan for the future will reduce stress later. Remember to look into personal care services and costs and review insurance and supplemental insurance for possible coverage.

Home Care

Be aware of how much housework your loved one is able to do. This is a great place where grandchildren can help. We assign tasks so everyone knows who is responsible and what the expectation is. For example, assign a grandchild to laundry duty for the month, to be done once a week. However, this will depend on the capabilities of your family member and your time available to take on chores. If financially feasible, consider hiring someone for a recurring task to reduce the burden on the family.

Mental Health and Socializing

Keeping your loved one's mental health in mind is important. Ask, "How does my loved one connect with family and friends?" Encourage outings, phone calls, or other ways to stay connected to others.

Juggling additional responsibilities to care for an aging loved one has many rewards, from creating new memories to hearing old family stories. But it also requires finding a balance and managing the stress of added responsibility, especially for the sandwich generation. Remember to ask for help when needed — yes, even from members of your immediate family. Then look outside to extended family, friends, neighbors, community resources, and federal agencies for support. You are not alone in your journey of caregiving for family members at different stages in the life cycle.