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Love and Money: How Can Money Bring Us Closer?

Financial issues can create friction in any relationship, but constructive conversations about money are possible simply by following a few guidelines.

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Updated:

April 27, 2026

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Healthy relationships can bring great joy to our lives and even improve our overall health and well-being (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023). But even the healthiest relationships face challenges.

One of the most common challenges concerns money. When two people don't share the same beliefs about money, it can (and often does) lead to conflict. Yet, couples who talk openly about their hopes and dreams are more likely to prioritize time and resources, including their money (Gottman & Silver, 2015). In fact, talking about money with your beloved can improve your joint financial future and bring you closer together. So, what does a healthy conversation about money look like?

Getting to Know Yourself and Your Partner

The first part of creating a healthy conversation is identifying how you and your partner approach money. According to financial advisors Scott and Bethany Palmer (2012), each of us has two distinct money personalities that shape our financial habits. Recognizing these is an important first step towards addressing money-related challenges. Below is a list of Palmers' five money personalities (2012). Do any of these sound like you or your partner?

Spender: A spender might be seen as living for today, spending money more freely to enjoy life in the moment. This could include comforts in the moment, like a last-minute lunch date, but also spending money on small gifts for those they love.
Saver: A saver typically wants to have money set aside in case of emergencies and avoids debt. They may describe themselves as "frugal" and want to get the most for their hard-earned dollar when they do spend.
Risk Taker: A risk taker loves the adventure of money. This might include investing in a new business opportunity, but it might also be small everyday risks like trying out a new restaurant or vacation destination. They are more comfortable with taking a bit of a gamble with their money.
Security Seeker: A security seeker prioritizes having a plan. That plan may, or may not, include saving, but they feel most comfortable when they have a clear roadmap about where their money is going. When considering adjustments to the plan, they can be slow to change or take advantage of new opportunities out of fear of losing security.
Flyer: A flyer prioritizes relationships, and that often guides their spending habits. This personality type tends to fly by the seat of their pants when it comes to planning and is often happy to take the back seat while someone else takes charge of financial decisions.

When you know your money personalities, you can develop your own list of questions appropriate for your relationship and consider which are a top priority. For example, you might find it helpful to ask questions such as "Who will keep the budget?" or "How much do we really need to save?" You may also notice a push and pull within yourself or with your partner, depending on their primary and secondary money personality. For instance, someone's primary personality might be a Flyer, but they also seek security and want a plan. Their partner may be a security seeker, but also a risk taker, which might lead to different strategies and priorities. You may need to revisit many of these questions over time as your relationship faces new challenges and opportunities.

Financial Infidelity

Recognizing your money personalities is usually the easiest part of the conversation. What can be trickier is agreeing to continue the conversation even when problems arise. One challenge can be financial infidelity.

Financial infidelity happens when one partner lies to the other about money matters, either outright or by omission, and it can be disastrous in a relationship where trust is essential. According to the National Endowment for Financial Education (2021), more than two in five people (43%) admitted lying about money to their partner. Furthermore, the survey revealed that financial lies took a toll on the relationship, and 85% of respondents said the deception affected their current/past relationships in some way.

But there is hope. Most major areas of difference in a relationship don't get resolved completely but instead are managed through adjustments and compromises day to day (Gottman & Silver, 2015). This same assessment pertains to money issues. If both of you are willing to have the more difficult conversations about financial infidelity, you might just strengthen your overall bond.

Money Discussion Ground Rules

You may find it hard to start a discussion with a loved one when you expect there will be conflict. Gottman and Silver (2015) propose that the advice for money-related conflicts is the same for any conflict we might face in a relationship. To have a constructive conflict, they suggest the following:

Go into the conversation, reminding yourselves that you are both on the same team.
Give yourself and your partner permission to take a break from the conversation if either of you is feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, commit to return to it once you both are calm again.
"Postpone persuasion" and try to convince your partner about your perspective right out of the gate. Instead, Dr. Gottman recommends that you lead by expressing your needs and desires. Avoid criticizing, dismissing, or being contemptuous of your partner's perspectives at all costs.
Last, hold the belief that both of you have valid perspectives, even if they are not the same.

The authors conclude that, by practicing these approaches, you and your partner can heal and even come out of it stronger as a couple.

If none of these strategies works, consider bringing in outside help in the form of a financial planner, a couple's therapist, or a financial therapist.

Concluding Thoughts

There are many roads we can travel in this world, and many of them will include obstacles of some kind. But if we work to overcome them, the trip can be that much more rewarding.

If you’d like to learn more about how to begin or continue a conversation about money, consider the free resources offered through the Sokolov-Miller Family Financial and Life Skills Center at Penn State or free workshops from the Financial Literacy Team at Penn State Extension.