Kinship Family Forum: Family Bonding Grandfamily Style

- Thank you for joining us today for the Kinship Family Forum during December, presented by the Relatives as Parents Program, or the RAPP Team, as we like to call ourselves, members of the Food Families and Health Family Wellbeing Team.

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We thank you for joining us today, and we'll be presenting the Kinship Family bonding in just a few moments.

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to our Kinship Family Forum, once again.

I'm Darlene Sansone.

I'm a member of the Relatives as Parents Team, or RAPP Team, as we like to call it.

With me presenting today will be Dr. Matt Kaplan.

He's our intergenerational specialist and works with our team.

We also have on board today, Cynthia Pollich and Rosie Horvath, who are other members of the team.

And they might be interjecting if they have a comment that they'd like to share with us.

And as always, we will ask for you to go ahead and type in the chat or unmute when we give you a chance to ask questions or offer any information that you'd like us to know about kinship families.

So, Matt, you can advance the slide here.

Today's presentation, as I said, will be on Kinship Family Bonding, and Dr. Kaplan has done a lot of research into this topic, and he'll be sharing some wonderful examples with you today.

We've been working on kinship family programming for many, many years here at Penn State Extension, and it's very important for us to be able to support those of you who are in that role, or who provide support to others that are in that role.

So we're really happy that you're joining us today.

Our next kinship family forming will be on budgeting for grandfamilies.

We know that in these hard economic times, a lot of families really do have to stick to a budget.

So Rosie and I will be presenting a small conversation with you around creating budgets and really trying to make sure that we can stick to those budgets and make our families a little bit more healthy financially.

Also, we'll give you information at that time on a series that Penn State Extension is providing on family financial literacy.

Go ahead and advance the slides.

As we said, we are part of a larger extension team, and you can see the information here on this slide.

Next slide.

Go ahead, Matt, next slide.

We do not discriminate.

So why is this topic really important?

We know that in the year 2017, we had a great deal of statistics available, and that 90,000 Pennsylvanian grandparents were responsible for the basic needs of one or more grandchildren under the age of 18 at that time.

We know that number has increased every year, and grandparents are caring for approximately 195,000 children, which is almost 8% of all the children in our state.

Many grandparents really struggle in their new identity to find activities to strengthen those relationships, and it's important for us to be a resource for you.

Strong family relationships really help to support family members and reduce that stress that is out there for all families.

So what are the benefits of family bonding?

When we look at these important key items here, we see that it's important to have fun together.

As a grandmother, there's nothing more rewarding than being able to have fun with your grandchildren, but also when you're in that new role, they see you as the disciplinarian and the everyday caretaker.

So we want you to still have some of the benefits of being a grandparent and to bond in this new relationship.

We also know that you can learn and grow together.

It helps reinforce that sense of family identity.

It helps us, especially at this time of year, to maintain some of those existing family traditions.

So if one of the transitions was always going to grandma's on Christmas Eve, they're not coming to your house because they're already living with you, but maybe there are some things that we can do that we have done traditionally.

I want to enforce that idea of lasting memories on you as a family, and also to think about new family traditions you might be able to start.

Beyond strengthening relationships, reducing stress is really important, and anything that we talk about in this presentation will really generate the types of benefits that are on this slide that we are talking to you about today.

One thing to keep in mind is that there are many ways to strengthen family relationships.

You just see some silly pictures here of families doing simple activities together.

Notice the facial expressions, I love it.

But if you look at the picture with the three generations, everybody is really happy and that's what we hope to create for you here today.

Next slide, please.

So, Dr. Kaplan, you wanna talk about this slide?

- Oh, sure.

Thanks, Darlene, and welcome everyone.

Thanks for joining us.

So these are just a few of the activities that we find have worked quite well for families that are really trying to find things to do that are not only fun, but they could learn together, grow together, and strengthen a sense of shared family identity.

So, well.

So let me just describe a few of these really quickly.

Slang chart.

So if through just passing each other in the hallway or outside, somebody uses a slang word briefly.

So right away that opens up a conversation.

So how would we make that a conversation?

So the slang chart activity, which we put into our Intergenerational Activity Sourcebook, which is available online, no cost.

That's one of 50 activities.

Basically, to sum it up, we take a word like, let's say spring or springtime, and then what are some slangs for that?

Or what if something is really nice or cool, you know?

And then people share words that their cohort really likes to use, like groovy, things like that.

And then there are some words that some older adults, some adults don't know.

So it's a way of sharing each other's lives.

Dancing in the mirror is just a great warmup.

You kind of, one person's making moves, the other one copies them.

Role plays.

You could grab content for role plays anywhere.

My favorite role play is kind of like a reverse role play, tied around maybe an area of tension and communication.

Like we've done a lot of work with how families communicate about food and nutrition.

And one of the, I guess, conflicts that several families have pointed out relate to a caregiver, parent or other caregiver preparing a meal, and the kid just looks at it and says, "No thanks," "I had popcorn," or, "I just had cereal." And how upsetting that could be, and maybe the kid...

So anyway, there's tension and it can lead to real conflict.

So to do a reverse role play, the food preparer could be the child, the youth, and the adult takes the young person's role and they play the role.

And then they see how it feels to be in each other's shoes, and they come up with some mutual understanding, if it's done well, on how to reduce such a tension.

A family travel is always kind of really good.

It could be a walking tour.

Basically all the activities we're gonna be passing around and then asking you to share, coming up with these activities, it's as much an art as it is a science.

There's no one size fits all.

It really relates to the interests of family members, what people consider fun.

I know my family's quite quirky, so we come up with very bizarre things that works for us.

So when we're done presenting, we'd love to hear some of your thoughts on things that work well for you.

All right, so let's keep going, so there's time for sharing.

Oh yeah, so I think this is...

I could start with this and we're gonna team tag it, Darlene and I.

Some people find watching a movie together, you're together, but not really interacting, you know?

So we're trying to find ways to facilitate interaction, where people can share and really get to know one another better.

And that really helps to strengthen relationships.

This is really for all families, but we're focusing...

We like to use the phrase, "Kinship family bonding, grandparent style," 'cause we're aware that many families kind of are formed, emerging suddenly, and without much history.

Where a grandparent or some other relative has to care for a child.

So building up a tradition, maybe watching a favorite movie, something like "It's a Wonderful Life", or "Miracle on 34th Street".

I guess it's holiday time, these are kind of cool movies to watch together.

And you could grab, as we describe it, you could grab some paraphernalia from that particular scene in that movie.

So if it's a Santa Claus type movie, it could be people writing a card to Santa and sharing that.

Or if it's the movie "Elf", something about toys that people really love making, and maybe packets of hot chocolate.

So be creative, that's sort of the idea.

Family calendars are really cool, and it could be handmade as well, with photos of family members doing their favorite things with their favorite objects put into the calendar.

There are ways to get this done online as well.

And of course, let's look at other media for sharing, including family recipes, family stories, poems, places.

So all these things are rooted in a family tradition, and not only past traditions, but actually creating new ones.

So it could be a recipe that was created together, stories that are created together, poems that are read to one another, sharing favorite poems and so forth.

- And I wanna interject.

Don't forget... - Yeah, please, Darlene.

Can you please interject? - Yeah.

Don't forget some of the things that your grandchildren might not know about you.

You know, in our town there was a pottery that created dishes and my husband's grandmother and many of his aunts worked at that pottery for years.

That's how they supported their families.

It's no longer in existence, but when they pick up those plates as your...

You know, looking at that meal, one of the first things my children always did was turn it over to see if it was stamped with that company name, because they knew that the gold trim was put on by their great-grandmother.

They also know, my own children also know, that one of the great aunt's family put the bricks into the street.

The only street that's still here in our town that has the bricks laying in it was put in by one of the great uncles in the family.

So some of those historical things are really great to share when you're talking about those stories as well.

Creating that sense of family history.

- And Darlene did mention that I've been involved in some research in this kind of thing, these kind of activities.

Just point out about research on ageism or age-based stereotypes.

So, many times, particularly when there's the generations in the middle that skipped, younger and older people have assumptions of one another, and a lot of times these are implicit.

So you might hear something like a youth, child or a youth, saying something, maybe something related to dance comes up, and the caregiver might say, "Hey, why don't we show each other our moves?" And the young person might say, "Well, you probably probably don't have so many moves," "'cause I don't see you wanting to get up" "and jump around and dance." So that's a stereotype.

And then a dance down, little competition, or sharing, or I'll show you my dance, you show me yours and we'll do 'em together.

That kind of activity's so good, 'cause it humanizes each other, and it also allows family members to show each other who they are and how they live, and what excites them as they are, rather than how they're presented in the media.

So this is also age busting, it's also crossing, I guess, transcending negative age-based stereotypes that many people have.

Food is a big thing.

Actually, Darlene, you actually took that photo on the right.

Would you like to share this story?

- Yes, so the photo on the right is of an event that was held here in Lawrence County, Pennsylvania, where we hosted kinship families for a long weekend around, as Matt said, the importance of healthy nutrition.

Fridge Program is a program that was created by Penn State Extension.

And this activity was just a MyPlate Roll-Up.

Looking at different foods from the different categories that we need to eat every day and creating those roll-ups together as a family.

Many of the children talked about some of the things that they might not have eaten previously, but when they got the opportunity to do it together, it was really important.

And then we also learned during that weekend that some of these items were actually grown on the Villa Maria Nuns Farm out there, which was really wonderful.

So it was a former retreat center, a spirituality center where the nuns were housed back in 2013.

Part of that farm has now been turned over to a larger food group, and Penn State Extension is very active out there, now doing some things.

But looking at really cooking together, one of the things that I find really informational and important is that when my grandchildren were born, I taught each one of them how to bake, and a lot of them really talk about that.

My granddaughter and I are going to make homemade capitelli, one of the things that we made when she was very young, and she's now 12, we don't have a lot of time to cook together.

But we're going to make those for our Christmas Eve dinner, because it's something that she asked about.

She said we hadn't done it for a while, could we please do that activity?

And even though I'm not caring for them every single day, like kinship families are, it's important for me to keep that tradition up and really learn about how that food comes together and reinforcing some of those healthy eating practices, as you see.

So it's a family recipe, actually from one of my husband's aunts, that we use.

So we continue to make that constantly as an important part of our meals.

- So the photo on the right, that retreat we had in Lawrence County on the community supported agricultural site that Villa Maria Education and Spirituality Center does at that place.

The kids were actually able to see where food is growing, to see the animals, to see how it's taken to the table and actually to make snacks with these roll-ups.

So my favorite quote ever from this kind of work was one 11 year old just jumping up and down with joy at the end, sharing his thoughts of the program, said, "We saw food growing." So I could relate to that, I was brought up in the city, Lower East Side of Manhattan, and I didn't see a cow until I was like 11.

So his eyes were wide open.

He had that sense of wonder and appreciation of agriculture and the environment.

It was like, he was thrilled.

And also, I mean, to actually see how good the food tastes when it's so healthy.

So my point here is that place matters.

And there are museums, there are historical sites all around.

So to be able to go there with a family, and that stimulates questions and a chance to share history and talk about significant events in people's lives, immigration history and so forth.

And that's what this is all about.

It's not about lecturing, or telling, or informing the young people, we're talking about relationship building.

And speaking about relationship building, just about any object can be positioned in relationship-enhancing ways.

So here, upper left, we have a 4-H youth sharing her miniature pony with an assisted living resident.

She was nervous about how to start the conversation.

So the intergenerational practitioner involved, someone who went through our training, a volunteer educator with Extension said, "Well why don't you bring something that matters to you?" And that miniature horse generated a sense of commonality, a lot of discussion, and it was wonderful.

The upper right is a top, an old style top that one of the older adults had been making as a child.

Bottom left is a teapot.

I've seen a community festival in Japan that was in a rural area where the elders wanted to show children what tea is all about, historically and culturally.

'Cause nowadays they get it out of a refrigerator in a can.

So by talking about, traditionally, how tea is made, he was able to talk about how things have changed, not always for the better in Japanese culture, because this traditional way of making tea, the family would also be around it, talking to each other and feeling that sense of bond.

The bottom right is, as you might guess, are kazoos.

And actually, we wanted to put it in just to get you to think creatively, "Hey, what can you do for family bonding with two kazoos?" So we could leave that to you, but just so you know, a lot has been done with kazoos in an intergenerational way.

In fact, Penn State has an intergenerational kazoo club.

They don't call it intergenerational, but there are four generations together, that come together to share their joy of playing around and making music with kazoos.

So as I said before, there's no limit to the kind of activities.

Oh, here's an image from one of the boxes from the "Stump Your Relative" game.

We do that in groups, we did it in some festivals, Ag Progress Days.

We have two boxes.

One has items that older adults tend to know about, here's an example.

And another one is gathered with youth items.

It's hard to keep up with that one, 'cause it's always changing, the youth box.

But we had families passing through the family room at Ag Progress Days and this is a hit.

They were able to choose an item that they thought they could stump the other relative, their older or younger relative with, in terms of them having to guess what it is.

So much fun.

So much fun.

We have tons of pictures.

We love to facilitate that.

You could probably derive a way to work this at home.

"Family Dance Downs", I mentioned that already.

And some other activities we're noting here.

Darlene, did you have anything you wanted to add to this?

- Well, I wanted to say if you're happening to visit the Farm Show, you will see Rosie and I, actually, there doing the kinship activity of "Stump Your Relatives" during the Farm Show week.

So it's one of the events that we find really exciting, and we're planning on doing that as well out at the Farm Show for families as they come through.

- Okay, and that's great.

So a competition, someone might say, "It's not a competition, it's a family." But it gets the blood going.

Kids love little friendly competitions.

What they don't love is to be lectured to and have to sit there quietly.

So they like to share what their lives are all about.

So really this is probably one of the activities that we've had the most success with, in terms of engaging families.

- And I've been able to be at some retreats with Matt as well, where we've used these boxes, and it is really a lot of fun.

As he said, it is challenging to keep that youth one up to date because things are constantly changing.

But the one from my generation, because many of these items on the photograph really were prevalent in my generation.

It is really fun, and even some younger people don't know what that's all about.

- And, of course, nature.

Here's an image that won a photography competition that Generations United put on.

A grandparent and her grandchild just smelling the flowers.

And I think this speaks for itself.

Just taking a moment just to follow the kid's curiosity.

And you can imagine the conversations, and sometimes just being in nature is a deep sharing as well.

Darlene, this is one of my favorite activities too, I must say.

But Darlene will tell it the best, since she coordinated this event.

- So this family banner here, actually was created at one of our kinship family retreats here in the Northwest of Pennsylvania.

Held an Erie, Pennsylvania.

This family and all of the families there had the opportunity throughout the weekend to create shields, or family banners, and really think about how to best represent their family.

We provided a lot of supplies for them to be able to use throughout the weekend.

And then at the very end, almost right before we went home, we always celebrate with a family brunch, and had the opportunity for each of the families to really talk about what makes them a family and why they pictured their family this way.

So the Richards family here really talked about how they were the real McCoy, and that they're not a made up family or make believe family, they truly are a family.

And Matt has created so many wonderful memories, looking at some of these banners and shields, throughout different retreats throughout the state.

And he has a tremendous amount of quotes that he remembers, really, from some of these families.

But what we've seen is that the children really do understand that they are part of this family, and they've created this new family identity when they've put together these banners.

It's made them look at themselves in a different way, instead of feeling like they're the only people who have this kind of family makeup.

Do you wanna offer some of your additional comments that you remember?

- Right, well, one I can't get out of my mind, which I'm happy about, 'cause it really connects me with the importance of our work in this area with grandfamilies.

We had a family that attended at least two of these retreats, these events, and doing this activity.

And their tapestry that they created, to compare the two tapestries was really telling.

The first one was kind of when what the family was going through was quite raw.

The parent, the mother, had passed away, as I remember it.

So there was a lot of sadness, and the child was very sad and down.

And what they produced was an image of a lot of things that are relevant to the family, but including a scene of the cemetery, which is where the mother was buried.

And then to compare that with the one that they created some years after, I think it was one or two years after, it was like things that they're doing together, things that they will do together moving ahead.

Not ignoring the past, but kind of transcending it and realizing that they're what they have now, and that they're a family.

So it really is a cool idea, cool activity.

What do we call this activity?

Oh, "Family Banners", of course.

Also, there's a family shield activity that's kind of...

You know those, like, the warrior clan shields, where you have different families having a shield representing the family line?

That could be it.

What images or symbolism would the family have on a shield?

So that one we can help dig up and share with families, if there's interest.

Okay, so...

Right, so we're winding, we just have a few more slides.

Just wanna remind people that we have a ton of resources, on not only what we share today, but other types of intergenerational experiences, including programs, not only for family members, but also for non-related people.

So community building or learning about the environment.

Also childcare visits to an assisted living facility.

So there are all sorts of activities, and of course the Family Kinship Forums that we mentioned earlier.

Yeah, Darlene, any highlights you wanna share from resources that we have before we open it up soon?

- Well, I just did wanna say that on our Penn State Extension RAPP program resources, there are ideas for support groups on there, so people who are looking for resources to start support groups, and we're actually in the process of developing a curriculum to be able to be used in partnership with West Virginia University on that.

The navigator website and the intergenerational program website, as Matt says, has so much information that is important for those families.

So we invite you to really look at those websites.

Plan to spend a little bit of time.

You might be able to find a support group that's in your area, or you might find out that your community doesn't have a support group and that you really need one, and we can help you to get that started.

So we always wanna be there for you to support that family.

- All right, so...

All right, so two of those specific resources that are particularly well received and utilized by kinship families, grandfamilies, the Kinship Family Navigator website.

So we have that with county-based information.

You could look up in your county for organizations that have resources and programs that are good for kinship families...

Excuse me.

Including support groups.

So we feel, or maybe I should just say I feel, I feel local support groups for grandfamilies is sort of the gold standard for support for families.

So we have done some studies on that as well, we've written it up in journals, and there'll be forthcoming forums on this topic.

How do you develop them in ways that will draw families to join it and to have meetings where they're informative, I guess, collaboration, building, support, and often with childcare and food, and in a neutral place.

So those are some of the parameters for excellent support groups.

And we share that in other events and ways.

- And Rosie's put the link in for our January forum that I already mentioned, which will be the Kinship Family Forum on budgeting, grandfamily style.

So you can click that link and register for that forum as well, directly.

- Wow, and can we do that at no cost?

- Yes.

- I thought I'd mention that.

So, right.

So the fact that we put a lot of these resources up at no cost is very important as well, 'cause we know many families are on tight budgets and we're all about, I guess, support for families.

Oh, here are some of the recent references and links for the activities that we mentioned so far.

There's a lot going on.

And of course we didn't steal anybody's photos.

Everything is approved, and here are some...

Here are the people and organizations that developed these credits.

And of course you're meeting several of our RAPP team members.

As the RAPP team, we're tied in with the Brookdale Foundation Relatives as Parents Program.

So we received a grant many years ago to be an official RAPP program, and we have six members at Penn State Extension who make up this team.

And we all have different skills, and we've come up with quite a platform of support resources.

So please do stay tuned.

So, Darlene, do you wanna...

Let's see.

- Yeah, and so if you want to sign up for additional resources from Penn State, there's a way to connect.

So in the either Cvent registration platform that you registered for today, or you can sign up to get information that you choose from Penn State Extension by going to this link.

So it might be research articles on certain topics that you want to have.

It might be particular workshops that you'd like to have more information on.

Might be something that's currently happening that we want to get everything out there to you, like we did during Covid.

But we'll only send out to you if you go to this website and sign up with the information that is most important to you.

So we always wanna include that opportunity for you.

- Okay, and we have to show the slide as well, to remind people that we're an equal access organization, in terms of how we produce and disseminate our materials and work with staff and so forth.