Increasing Social Competence in Young Children

Families want their children to grow up with healthy friendships and in loving relationships. To help with this, there are tools that parents, educators, and caregivers can give young children to strengthen their social skills and help them form lasting bonds with others.

Social Emotional Learning (SEL) is the process through which we acquire the knowledge and skills to develop healthy relationships and care for others. According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (2024), we develop overall social competence across five key areas: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making. Competence across these domains can develop naturally through common daily experiences. For example, when you were a young child, you likely got help from trusted adults or friends who helped you navigate expectations and understand boundaries. Similarly, there are also research-based tools and practices that families, caregivers, and educators can turn to that can strengthen learning opportunities for today's young children.

According to the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (2015), kindergarten students who share, cooperate, and help others "may be more likely to reach higher education and well-paying jobs." On the other hand, young children who are weaker in these areas "may be more likely to drop out of high school, abuse drugs and alcohol, and need government assistance." As you can see, a lot is riding on whether we can successfully help our children learn how to become socially mature individuals. 

Children between 3 and 6 years old are rapidly developing social-emotional skills and are also at a stage where they are extraordinarily responsive to input from caring adults. In fact, Blair and Raver (2015) contend that young children are at an age when the brain is rapidly developing, and the parts involved with self-regulation can be shaped in long-lasting ways.

Early childhood education professors Ho and Funk (2018) recommend the following simple developmental strategies when working with preschool- and kindergarten-aged children to build their social competencies.

Build a Trusting Relationship.
A key to strong social skills starts with a trusting and loving relationship with a caregiver. Consistently offering warmth, support, and care— even when children are having a difficult time—helps them feel more secure. With that security, they are more likely to ask questions, take advice, and try new strategies. They are also highly likely to model the warmth and care they receive with their peers.

Encourage Social Interaction.
Similarly, educators and caregivers can create opportunities for children to take part in group activities in a classroom setting or outside of it, whether that is through preschool, playgroups, or activities at the local library. Ho and Funk (2018) recommend that caregivers listen with full attention to what a child is saying, modeling active (as opposed to passive) listening. They also recommend accepting and acknowledging a child’s feelings, whatever they may be, whether that is joy or jealousy.

Offer Positive Reinforcement.
In general, adults should provide positive reinforcement when children show healthy social behaviors. Children learn by example, so parents, educators, and caregivers must also be mindful of modeling positive and empathetic social behaviors around young children. Adults should demonstrate active listening and respectful communication with children and others around them. They should also help children understand social norms and proper social behaviors in different social situations. For example, certain behaviors that are accepted on a playground are not socially accepted in a sit-down restaurant.

Teach Social Emotional Skills Intentionally.
In addition to one-on-one support and modeling, we can find ways to introduce topics and skills that will help children build their social competence. Adults often take basic conversation skills for granted, but young children might need some guidance. Parents, educators, and caregivers can emphasize the importance of asking questions to show you are interested in the other person. Also, we can encourage and explain the value of using "I" statements to express feelings or opinions.

One approach recommended by Ho and Funk (2018) is the use of books. There are many books that can provide an opportunity to talk about identifying different feelings and ways to respond.  If a child is struggling with something in particular, caregivers can find specific books at the library that relate to that topic. For example, the book When Sophie Gets Angry—Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang provides an opportunity to talk about anger, but also about different ways children and families might respond to that emotion. Another book, Enemy Pie by Derek Munson, gives an opportunity to talk about friendship challenges and how to navigate them. Ho and Funk suggest asking meaningful, open-ended questions to encourage children to share their own experiences, use new vocabulary words, and practice their new social skills.

We can also ask young children to practice telling stories and speaking in front of groups. Start with an easy audience (like relatives) before moving on to friends. Role-playing can also be a great way to practice social skills—both prior to a new social situation and after one where challenges may have occurred when the child is calmer.

Teach Listening Skills.
This can be a difficult skill to master, especially for young children who are self-focused by nature and have shorter attention spans. Parents, educators, and caregivers can instruct children how to be active listeners and how to show interest using verbal and non-verbal messages such as head nodding. Play listening games such as “What was that sound?” where children close their eyes and must guess what sound they heard. Have them describe the sound they hear in as much detail as they can remember. This helps them focus on the act of listening and on limiting interruptions when others are speaking.

Raise Awareness of Nonverbal Communication.
You might be surprised how much of our communication is nonverbal. As such, reading nonverbal cues is vital for appropriate social behavior. Encourage children to observe and describe others' nonverbal cues. Reinforce positive nonverbal communication, such as with a smile, a hug, or a warm tone of voice; offering comfort to a friend who is sad; or navigating a conflict without hitting. Adults can provide support to children when conflict or challenges occur by narrating different emotions (for example, "I see the two of you are frustrated because both of you want the toy.") or by providing support.

Child development expert Janet Lansbury (2012) recommends that caregivers consistently try to send the following messages in challenging circumstances: 

• "It's okay to be mad, sad, frustrated, etc. Your feelings (and therefore you) are totally acceptable and valid.
• You are capable of handling strong emotions with my support and expressing them appropriately. You can cope with age-appropriate frustration, disappointment, etc.
• Share with me. I want to know and understand you.
• You are safe — cared for by a strong, confident, and capable leader who can witness your most difficult emotions."

An additional strategy for educators, in particular, can be to incorporate curricula designed to support SEL in the classroom. There are many evidence-based programs available for children of all ages. Parents, educators, and caregivers can collaborate on strategies, resources, and feedback to support children across home, school, and childcare settings. 

References

Blair, C., & Raver, C.C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711-731.

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. (2024).  Fundamentals of SEL.

Ho, J., & Funk, S. (2018, March).  Promoting young children's social and emotional health. National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Lansbury, J. (2012). No angry kids: Fostering emotional literacy in our children. Janet Lansbury: Elevating Child Care.

Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. (2015). How children's social skills impact success in adulthood. Research Brief.