Difficult Discussions: Tips for Tackling Conversations You Don't Want to Have

Communication is a foundational part of any relationship. It is unrealistic to expect every conversation and communication we have with clients, coworkers, family, and friends to be successful. The main reason we have difficulty with conversations is because we all have different backgrounds, experiences, values, and concerns. Use this article as a guide for approaching your next difficult conversation.

Stone, Patton, and Heen (2010) define a difficult conversation as "anything you find it hard to talk about" (p. xv).  The following strategies can help you make progress in difficult conversations by adjusting your conversation pattern.

Preparing for the Difficult Conversation

Reflect on how you typically speak. Adjust your mindset. Consider whether or not you speak more positively or more negatively about your work to colleagues, clients, and stakeholders. Ask people you trust for honest feedback. If you find you are more negative, work to change your perspective and approach difficult conversations with an optimistic attitude.

Do you need to have a difficult conversation? Ask yourself the following questions: Is this an internal or external conflict? Can I change anything by having this conversation? Will it unnecessarily damage a relationship with a coworker, client, or stakeholder?

Be prepared if you decide to engage in the conversation. Gather all information you will need to have the conversation. What results do you expect to have from the conversation? Tell the other person the purpose of the conversation. Choose a neutral location and facilitator, if needed. Review organizational policies and procedures that may apply to the situation.

Carrying out the Difficult Conversation

There are three major components of a difficult conversation: the "what happened?" conversation, the feelings conversation, and the identity conversation (Stone, Patton, & Heen, 2010).

1. "What Happened?" Conversation

This conversation occurs when there are discrepancies between you and the other party's perception of events.

Strategies for approaching this conversation:

• Do not assume the other person is wrong. Consider how events may be perceived from their perspective.
• Remain calm. Take a deep breath before responding.
• Review the facts. Do not argue. Bring in a neutral facilitator if needed.

2. Feelings Conversation

This refers to the emotions ingrained in a difficult conversation.

Strategies for approaching this conversation:

• Be critical, yet kind and considerate. Make it clear that the conversation is about finding a solution to the issue, not criticizing the other person.
• Be an empathetic listener. Be present.
• Give the other party space to share their side of the story.
• Be open to hearing the other party's feelings about the issue. Share your feelings on the issue, if needed.
• Set boundaries when discussing emotions. If you feel someone has crossed a line, tell them.

3. Identity Conversation

This refers to how the result of the conversation may define someone involved in the discussion at hand.

Strategies for approaching this conversation: 

• Do not let the issue affect your self-image. Consider whether or not the other party is doing this as well.
• Keep the conversation about the facts and issue at hand, not the other person.

Effectively Ending the Difficult Conversation

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Did we reach the planned goal or solution in the conversation?
• Did the other person and I leave the meeting with action items?
• Did I document that the conversation occurred and record key points?
• Did I schedule a follow-up, if needed?

We hope this article helped you to more critically consider how you approach difficult conversations. We hope these strategies will help you to have more productive conversations.

References

Bradley, G. L., & Campbell, A. C. (2016). Managing difficult workplace conversations: Goals, strategies, and outcomes (PDF). International Journal of Business Communication, 53(4), 443-464.

Kegan, R., & Lahey, L. L. (2001). How the way we talk can change the way we work: Seven languages for transformation. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons.

Stone, D., Heen, S., & Patton, B. (2010). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. London: Penguin