Dealing with Conflict

Conflict can arise in many ways. For instance, it can be the result of goals and interests that are incompatible, personal values and feelings that are misunderstood, or differing methods of reaching a goal. Such situations can occur due to issues such as a lack of communication, sudden and unpredictable change, differing beliefs and expectations, and discrepancies in role expectations.

Conflict in and of itself is a part of life and, when handled properly, can serve a useful purpose with positive outcomes. It can result in a search for new approaches and an opportunity to grow. It can result in finding a better solution to a problem or issue. Conflict can result in negative consequences as well, such as stress, mistrust, retaliation, and decreased communication, performance, and teamwork.

The COVID-19 pandemic has created circumstances that present the potential for conflict at numerous levels. Families are spending more time together with new demands for space, resources, and time. Business owners are facing decisions regarding revising operations and practices. Members of the public have differing views on following established requirements and guidelines. As with any situation that causes conflict, decisions on how to respond need to be carefully considered.

Conflict Triggers

When conflict occurs, our basic instinct is to fight, flee, or freeze to protect ourselves from harm. The question becomes, is it best to let our natural instincts drive our reactions or can we become more mindful about the way we react to inevitable conflicting demands? When we stop to analyze a conflict, there is often a simple reason why it occurred. This logical, rather than emotional, approach might reveal that the conflict did not arise from malicious intent and that strong emotions may not be the best way to resolve the situation. Conflicts arise most often when there is simply a matter of poor communication leading to a misunderstanding. There is no intentional fault on either side. Instead, there is unclear and incomplete messaging leading people to differing conclusions or expectations.

Conflict also arises when there is a lack of planning. Roles, responsibilities, and deadlines may be unclear, or you may be simply moving from crisis to crisis. During a crisis, it is even more important to work together to get a handle on the current situation and agree to a future course of action.

Conflict can arise when one party is frustrated, stressed, or burned out. Something that normally would not bother you may trigger a response that is uncharacteristic of your normal behavior. During times of stress, it is important to stop and put things in perspective before responding.

How the Brain is Triggered

The amygdala is the part of the brain that integrates emotions, behavior, and motivation.  According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, we can experience "amygdala hijacking" when we are under attack.  Our bodies respond by releasing hormones and increasing our heart rate. We do not think. It just happens. Goleman's work suggests that "amygdala hijacking" can sometimes result in sudden, illogical, and irrational overreaction to the situation. We all may recall a time when we overreacted during a conflict and later regretted our response. In hindsight, we may not even be able to explain why we acted that way. It is our brain's normal defense mechanism.

Minding the Triggers

Remember the old advice, "Stop and count to ten"? Did anyone ever tell you what to do after reaching ten? A good answer to this question might be to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is an effective awareness technique to use at work or at home when we experience an "amygdala hijacking" that results from a conflict. When we stop and consider the situation, we can choose how we react. In other words, it is important to understand our body's primal response and to consciously decide how to override this response with a thoughtful approach to the problem. So next time you experience conflict, stop, breathe, and think before you react.

Research shows that each of us has a preferred conflict management style. No style is wrong, but some styles work better in different situations. By being mindful, we give ourselves time to think about the best strategy to apply in a situation. Conflict management styles result from applying varying degrees of cooperation and assertiveness. These five strategies are Avoiding, Accommodating, Competing, Compromising, and Collaborating.

Five Conflict Management Strategies

When using the Avoidance strategy, we are not cooperating nor being assertive. If someone is irate and possibly experiencing an "amygdala hijacking," it may be good to avoid the situation. This can help to de-escalate the situation until cooler heads prevail. For some of us, this approach may not come naturally. Some of us immediately want to solve the problem, but that may not be the best course of action in this case.

In a situation where it is important to smooth things over and the outcome isn't crucial, it might be best to use an Accommodating style. With this style, we do not assert our demands. Instead, we cooperate with others. This strategy is helpful when a quick decision is needed, and there won't be an adverse outcome. This strategy maintains relationships and builds trust. It demonstrates that we acknowledge the other person's needs and thoughts.

On the other hand, if there is immediate danger or inappropriate behavior, assertiveness may be necessary. This strategy is referred to as Competing. Although being assertive and not cooperating may strain a relationship, it may be useful to prevent long-term damage or foster consistent behaviors.

The best time to Compromise is when there are vast differences between the two parties and a prompt decision is needed. To Compromise, both parties must be willing to reduce demands to reach agreement. However, if one of the parties will not comply with the compromise, then this strategy may not be worthwhile.

If there is time to find the best solution to a conflict and the outcome has important implications, the best strategy is Collaboration. Collaboration can only work if there is willingness to cooperate, trust, practice mindfulness, and use good communication between the parties to find the best solution for the entire group. The difference between Collaboration and Compromise is that people put aside personal needs and work toward the greater good.

Keep in mind that various conflict management styles may be present when a conflict situation arises. One of the difficulties is knowing which conflict management style(s) will surface for the individuals involved. For instance, someone who usually uses an Accommodating style may revert to a Competing style about an issue that they have strong beliefs on, or personal connections with. Having processes and structures in place to guide discussion and interaction during times of conflict will aid during a conflict situation.

Tools and Techniques to Deal with Conflict

When conflict occurs, we can avoid the situation, or we can mindfully choose how to engage the other person. At times, it may be good to say nothing or to walk away from a conflict. This is a good strategy to use when emotions are high, or it is an inappropriate place or time to have the discussion. However, if the situation is serious, avoidance may not resolve the matter, or it may make it worse. It may seem to others that their concerns are not being heard or respected. If you need to think or calm down before you address an issue, explain that you understand the issue is important and set a time in the future to address the issue.

When addressing a conflict, remember that the other person is probably feeling the same discomfort as you. Like you, they want to be treated with respect and want their feelings to be understood. Although it may be hard to express feelings, it is important to be open, honest, and respectful when expressing yourself. Be specific about the situation and use "I" statements like, "I" feel uncomfortable or "I" am trying to understand. "I" statements focus on how you feel and not on how you feel about the other person.

Tone of voice and intensity of speech are other tools to consider when addressing a conflict. A quiet, measured tone can lead to a very different reaction than shouting. Try also to use cooperative approaches, like apologizing at the outset for any wrongdoing you may have contributed to the conflict. Listening and paraphrasing what you hear the other person is saying as well as asking for clarification to understand the other person's perspective can show respect and an interest in building the relationship.

Try to avoid finger-pointing and threats as these actions will intensify a situation. Trying to use humor when it is appropriate can also help to maintain relationships. In the end, no agreement may be reached, but treating others with respect and empathy strengthens relationships.

We experience conflict in all facets and levels of our lives. Whether on an individual, group, or public level, being able to manage conflict is important to our health, productivity, unity, and sense of accomplishment. By understanding why we react the way we do and using mindfulness and various conflict management tools, we can minimize our stress and maximize our results.