Creating a Home With Your Adult Child

When our children are young, what do we imagine life will be like for them at 25 or 30? When I ask parents this question, many say they wish their children to find happiness, love, a stable career, and community. They usually assume that their children will be living on their own, perhaps with a partner and maybe even their own children. These days, however, young adults are increasingly returning home and staying. The question many families are now faced with is one they never thought they would be asking: How can we as a family thrive when our adult child moves home?

For many years, there was often a stigma attached to adult children moving home. 2022 PEW Research Center data, however, shows that around 50% of 18­–29-year-olds are living with their parents (Fadeyi & Horowitz). Often the causes relate in some way to the high cost of education and housing, and the difficulty finding stable employment. Adult children may also move home to care for aging parents or for parental support in providing childcare for their own children.

Maybe surprising to some, this arrangement can often be a beneficial one for several reasons Overall, the majority of parents in these situations end up feeling more emotional closeness and companionship with their children (Arnett & Fishel, 2014). Living together also allows families to pool resources (for things like chores and child and elder care) and has been found to lower the risk of poverty (Cohn et al., 2022). Additionally, multigenerational households may protect older members against loneliness and result in longer lives (Muennig et al., 2017).

How to Make It Work

While adult children moving home can be a wonderfully enriching and beneficial experience, it must be done carefully for it to work well.  In considering how parents' roles can evolve in this new stage of the relationship, experts offer the following four suggestions (Steinberg, 2023).

Honest Conversations

Everyone should discuss their expectations. These should be different conversations from those you might have with a visiting college student or teen, without rule-setting around schedules (such as curfews) or how they maintain their private living space. You will be creating a new set of dynamics and compromises. Likewise, adult children who are parents themselves may have expectations regarding childcare assistance or have a different approach to discipline that the family as a whole will need to discuss.

Household Contributions

Steinberg recommends everyone in the household participates (financially or otherwise) in day-to-day duties such as cooking, cleaning, and household maintenance and repairs. Adult children living at home should not be treated as guests.

Seek Professional Advice

Should the family decide to make a multigenerational household more permanent, consider seeking professional legal or financial advice. A professional may be able to more objectively help with issues like home ownership and equity, retirement plans, and transition plans for the family business or family farm. Together, you can decide what amount of information you wish to share with one another about financial issues (such as savings, debts, and retirement). But be sure to include in some of your discussions adult children who do not live at home, as they will likely have an interest in the multigenerational family’s well-being and financial future. 

Mutual Understanding of Daily Life  

Parents and adult children should have a mutual understanding about how each family member plans to spend their days. For example, who will be working or going to school full-time? What are everyone's caregiving responsibilities and recreational choices?

Parents shouldn't monitor their adult children's activities the way they would have when the child was younger, but each member should be open to a discussion about how their schedules and routines influence other members of the household. For example, if one household member must be at school early in the morning but another works a later shift, it is reasonable to discuss how these transitions can be handled so both parties get enough sleep.

Final Thoughts

In part because of the short- and long-term emotional, physical, and financial benefits, parents living with adult children are becoming much more common. Transparent communication and compromise are key. Increasingly more resources are available for support—whether that is through family therapists and financial advisors with expertise in multigenerational households, or home design professionals who can guide pragmatic home modification. Young adulthood may look a bit different today than it did for recent past generations, but, with openness and honesty, families have every reason for optimism.

Resources

AARP Future of Housing Initiative

Penn State Intergenerational Program

Penn State Extension: Relatives as Parents Program

Penn State Extension: Farm Family Continuity Planning

References

Arnett, J. J., & Fishel, E. (2014). Getting to 30: A parent’s guide to the 20-something years.  Workman Publishing Company.

Cohn, D., Menasce Horowitz, J., Minikin, R., Fry, R., & Hurst, K. (2022, March 24).  Financial issues top the list of reasons U.S. adults live in multigenerational households. Pew Research Center.

Fadeyi, D., & Menasce Horowitz, J. (2022, August 24). Americans more likely to say it’s a bad thing than a good thing that more young adults live with their parents. Pew Research Center. 

Fry, R., Passel, J. S., & Cohn, D. (2020, September 4) A majority of young adults in the U.S. live with their parents for the first time since the Great Depression. Pew Research Center.

Muennig, P., Jiao, B., & Singer, E. (2017). Living with parents or grandparents increases social capital and survival: 2014 General Social Survey-National Death Index. SSM - Population Health, 4, 71–75.

Niederhaus, S. & Graham, J.L. (2013).  All in the Family: A Practical Guide to Successful Multigenerational Living. Taylor Trade Publishing. 

Steinberg, L. (2023).  You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times. Simon and Schuster