Building Close Relationships with Young Children

Building warm, trusting relationships with your young child is one of the most important things you can do as a caregiver. Research shows that close relationships formed in early childhood (ages 3 – 5) can positively impact children's academic and social-emotional skills and conflictual relationships can have a detrimental impact on the child's well-being and development. In addition, parents and caregivers who feel they have positive relationships with the children in their care tend to feel better about themselves and find more enjoyment in being a caregiver. So, what can you do to foster these positive relationships? Here are some tips to help you build closeness and minimize conflict with your own children.

Greet and reconnect.
Providing a warm greeting at the start of the day can go a long way in communicating that you are glad to see your child and reinforce that they are in a safe environment where they will be loved and taken care of. Remember that while some children may appreciate a loud and excited greeting, others may be more comfortable with a soft greeting (especially in the morning) that just lets them know that you are happy to see them. Try to match your greeting to the child's temperament, or even let the child pick how they would like to be greeted. It may be a high-five, a handshake, a hug, or even just a smile. Just as it is important to start the day this way, the same is true when you have gone a period of time without seeing your child. Whether it be when you pick them up from preschool/childcare or come home from work, make time to greet your child and let them know that you’re happy to see them.

Take time to check-in.
Find time to ask your child how they're feeling, especially when something seems off. They may need help naming the emotion they're experiencing. Asking prompting questions like: "are you feeling embarrassed?" or "you seem frustrated, is that how you're feeling?" can help children communicate their own needs and regulate their emotions. This also conveys that you care about the child. If a child is dealing with an uncomfortable emotion help them to cope with their feelings in a healthy way. For example, encouraging children to take ten slow deep breaths can help them calm down in stressful situations. And remember, your child will learn from your actions. If you name emotions and practice healthy coping skills yourself, they will likely adopt these behaviors as well!

Avoid coercive and punitive interactions.
Coercive patterns occur when an adult responds in a way that reinforces an undesirable behavior by a child. For example, if a child is frustrated and acts out and their caregiver responds in a harsh manner, this may result in the child feeling more frustrated and acting out again. A child may refuse to do what they're asked to see how you react. Ignoring this initial defiance and then providing positive encouragement after the child complies is a much more effective way of dealing with this behavior and will help you avoid escalating the situation. Responding with punishment, like sending a child to time-out, may seem to be effective in the short-term, but children do not learn new behaviors through punishment, and this often leads to additional challenging behaviors. Instead, try something like a "time-in" where you sit with the child to discuss the situation and how they're feeling. This is both a more effective way to address the behavior and will help you establish a close bond with the child.

Have fun! Being a child and caring for children should be an enjoyable experience for both you and your child. Find moments where you can be silly and laugh with one another. Look for fun activities that you and your child can enjoy together. These can be trips to the park or even just relaxing together at home. Finding these key moments where you can connect can lead to many more positive interactions.

There may be times when it feels more challenging to connect with your child or they may respond to you in a way that seems to provoke conflict. Try to keep in mind that challenging behaviors are often the result of some unmet need or stressor in the child’s life and your child likely may not have the language or self-regulation skills to respond to an upsetting situation appropriately. If you can respond in these situations with empathy, it will go a long way. Research consistently shows that a single, close, healthy relationship formed in childhood can have an immense impact on a child’s well-being and future. You have a wonderful opportunity to be that person for your child!

For a similar reference written for early care and education professionals please visit: Building Positive Relationships in the Early Childhood Classroom

References

Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2010). Parent–child attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 22(1), 177-203.

Elicker, J., Englund, M., & Sroufe, L. A. (2016). Predicting peer competence and peer relationships in childhood from early parent–child relationships. In Family-peer relationships (pp. 77-106). Routledge.

Lamb, M. E., & Lewis, C. (2013). The role of parent–child relationships in child development. In Social and personality development (pp. 267-316). Psychology Press.

Morris, A. S., Criss, M. M., Silk, J. S., & Houltberg, B. J. (2017). The impact of parenting on emotion regulation during childhood and adolescence. Child Development Perspectives, 11(4), 233-238.

Russell, B. S., Hutchison, M., Tambling, R., Tomkunas, A. J., & Horton, A. L. (2020). Initial challenges of caregiving during COVID-19: Caregiver burden, mental health, and the parent–child relationship. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 51, 671-682.