Avoiding Coercive Patterns with Young Children

Coercive patterns occur when a child engages in an undesirable behavior, a caregiver responds in an overly harsh manner, and the child responds by escalating their undesirable behavior. This cycle does little to address the behavior or prevent the behavior from occurring again in the future, and instead reinforces the undesirable behavior.

As an example, imagine a child who, when asked to pick up, refuses and yells "No!" The caregiver responds with frustration and tells the child they need to go to time-out. While in time-out, the child sticks out their tongue at their caregiver, and the caregiver responds by telling the child they can no longer go to the park. This continued escalation of the child’s behavior and the caregiver's negative response is a very common example of a coercive pattern, and it does little to address the initial behavior (the child refusing to pick up) and actually reinforces the undesirable behavior.

The Problem with Coercive Patterns

Once these cycles of behaviors and responses are established, they can be very difficult to get out of. In addition, caregivers often feel they have to increase the punishment to get the desired reaction from their child. However, this leads to increased frustration by the child and more extreme negative behavior. It is very important to get out of these cycles of escalation between child behavior and caregiver response as they have a detrimental impact on the child's and your own well-being, as well as your relationship.

Children Do Not Learn New Behaviors through Punishment

This is something we have now known for decades. Punishment may lead to short-term repression of the behavior, but once the punishment is removed, the behavior will return and sometimes will be more extreme. You can think of any sort of behavioral challenge as a learned response to an unmet need. If we do not respond to the root of the behavior, we are not going to address it appropriately or prevent the situation from occurring again.

Avoiding Punitive Interactions

Responding with punishment, like sending a child to time-out, may seem to be effective in the short term, but this does not address the cause of the behavior and can often produce additional challenging behaviors. While there may be times when a child needs to be removed from a situation, for example, after harming another child, a "time-in" where you sit with your child to discuss the situation and how they’re feeling can be much more effective than a time-out. This will likely not only address the behavior but can help you establish a close bond with your child.

Think about how you phrase things when speaking with your young child. Caregivers often unintentionally word commands like a threat or in a negative manner. For example, "We can’t go to the store until you clean up your toys" sounds to a child as if there is a possibility for punishment. Trying slightly different phrasing, like "We can go to the store after we clean up the toys," is not a dramatically different command. However, children will hear this positively, and this statement is much more likely to produce the desired behavior of cleaning up the toys.

Responding with Patience and Warmth

While established coercive patterns can be tough to get out of, it is definitely not impossible. Next time your child responds in a manner you don’t feel is appropriate, try unpacking what is going on and take the time to ask how your child is feeling. They may need help naming the emotion they’re experiencing. Asking prompting questions like "That's not how you usually talk to me, you seem frustrated, is that how you’re feeling?" can help children communicate their needs and regulate their emotions. This also conveys that you care about your child. If a child is dealing with an uncomfortable emotion, help them cope with their feelings in a healthy way, like taking ten deep breaths.

Your children learn from watching you. If you respond to a situation with frustration or anger, the children around you will see that as the appropriate way to act when things do not go their way. However, if you can model appropriate coping skills like deep breathing and naming emotions and respond with empathy and patience, they will view this as how you should respond in challenging situations.

Finally, remember that when a child acts out is often a time they really need an adult to respond to them with warmth and to know you care about them. While it may be difficult, making a concentrated effort to avoid coercive patterns with your children will pay off immensely for both of you!

References

Durrant, J., and Ensom, R. (2012). Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research. CMAJ, 184(12), 1373-1377.

Lunkenheimer, E., Lichtwarck-Aschoff, A., Hollenstein, T., Kemp, C. J., and Granic, I. (2016). Breaking down the coercive cycle: How parent and child risk factors influence real-time variability in parental responses to child misbehavior. Parenting, 16(4), 237-256.

Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., and Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26, 917-932.

Weaver, C. M., Shaw, D. S., Crossan, J. L., Dishion, T. J., and Wilson, M. N. (2015). Parent–child conflict and early childhood adjustment in two-parent low-income families: Parallel developmental processes. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 46, 94-107.